I’m surprised by how accustomed I’m becoming to the chaos of the filmmaking process and the uncertainty that comes with it. I used to see that uncertainty as proof that I wasn’t ready to call myself a filmmaker. I believed it would only become “for real” once I reached some arbitrary standard of what exactly it means to be a legitimate creative. After a conversation with Paul and Johnathan, my team and I realized that the chaos, numerous questions, and newly arising factors throughout the filmmaking process of our documentary were actually signs that we were doing just fine.
Despite being very familiar with these uncomfortable feelings whenever I’ve jumped into new creative projects—some for personal pursuits and others for class assignments—I’ve always convinced myself that one day I would become a “for real” filmmaker once I no longer experienced these feelings of doubt and fear. I believed that real filmmakers eventually outgrew uncertainty, and that confidence was something you earned once you became good enough.
In my humble opinion, I’ve come to believe that passion, mental endurance, hard work, and being heavily informed in every possible capacity set someone up for the potential to become a phenomenal filmmaker and creative. Despite the confusion and questions I’ve been battling with mentally since starting this film project, I no longer see those feelings as evidence that I’m incapable. Instead, I see them as reminders that I’m attempting something difficult enough to challenge me. Maybe becoming a filmmaker isn’t about reaching a point where uncertainty disappears. Maybe it’s about developing the resilience to keep creating meaningful work even when certainty never arrives.
with love,
Kehinde.